Hello. I am Cara's husband, and she has
finally been tricked graciously allowed me to be a guest poster on her blog. (Yes, she does know about this. Sheesh.) I do have my own blog and even an amazing website, but it turns out I'm not much of a blogger so I'm content to periodically expel my desire to inflict pain my thoughts on the world through my wife's blog.
Did I mention I enjoy listening to Daniel O'Donnell? (For your reading pleasure, each of my guest posts will include a random factoid about myself. Awesome!)
Anyway, onwards and upwards. Heave ho!
I am pleased my first guest post is about the Great Wild Preggalo. I have been living with and studying my very own Preggalo for about 7 months now, although I must be careful to mention this
seemingly lifetime worth of study does not make me an expert. (More of a slow learner, I've been told.) Nonetheless, I've decided to share my observations with you, because if you haven't experienced a Great Wild Preggalo yourself, this information is good to know. It could save your life one day.
Preggalos only come in the female variety. To date, there have been no males ever found. A few years ago, one was reported captured on video, but it turned out to be just some crappy movie with a big muscle-bound foreign guy who kind of looked like a Preggalo.
You can easily identify a Preggalo from her distinctive yell. At first it may sound something like, "Go to the store and get me some cucumber & ketchup ice cream!", but then the yells seem to mingle together until they eventually sound very much like a swarm of angry bees trying to get into your head.
If you're still in doubt, you can easily confirm a Preggalo is actually a Preggalo by rubbing her belly without any forewarning whatsoever. Just walk up to her and start rubbing her belly. If the Preggalo in question is a pure Preggalo, you will immediately be eaten alive. This test is not recommended.
A slightly less dangerous method of identifying a Preggalo is to walk up to her, point to her belly, and ask if she has gained weight recently. A Preggalo will respond with various insults and profanities, but will also be careful to claim herself to be a Preggalo. It's often difficult to hear the "I AM NOT FAT I AM A PREGGALO!" part since the verbal assault typically includes various forms of clubbing you in the head.
Preggalos don't like listening to Daniel O'Donnell. They do, however, like to make fun of Daniel's music and sometimes even of Daniel himself.
Preggalos come in all shapes and sizes. If a Preggalo ever asks you if they are pretty you must always reply with an immediate and unquestioning, "Yes." God help you if you pause thoughtfully before answering.
Preggalos often have no sense of humour and do not think being a Preggalo is very funny.
Being woken up from a deep sleep by an angry Preggalo is not a good experience. The bruising can be severe and it may be a while before your hearing returns.
Preggalos are infatuated with baby clothes. A Preggalo loves to hold up any sort of baby clothes and show it to any other Preggalo while making gushing remarks about how "cute" the shirt/skirt/pants/shoes/shocks/hat/sweater is and "can't you just imagine!" It's sad.
Preggalos like to eat weird food like tomatoes and onions. Disgusting!
Preggalos often display amazing psychic powers such as ESP. They can always tell you what you should be thinking.
Preggalos don't like to be hot. Once a Preggalo reaches "anything higher then room temperature" she will begin uttering horrid moaning sounds and demanding things like air conditioning, wet towels, and foot rubs.
Preggalos go to the bathroom a lot. Something about small bladders.
Preggalos are obsessed with belly buttons. Something about innies and outies and which is better or worse. I can't even pretend to understand what that's all about.
Preggalos usually prefer to remain covered up and will go to great lengths to obtain the perfect body covering. It is not unusual to see a Preggalo trying on dozens of different shirts and skirts before deciding none of them are "just right" and then lumbering to another store across the street where the whole ordeal is repeated. Sometimes this can go on for days.
Preggalos tend to congregate in groups with other Preggalos. I suppose there is safety in numbers. If you see a herd of Preggalos you are well advised to hide. Never, ever, make a reference to a Preggalo's size when you are in earshot of a herd. You can often escape from one Preggalo (they aren't very fast), but the combined psychic furry of multiple Preggalos can bring down even the fastest person.
Preggalos don't like to be called Preggalos. You have been warned.
Preggalos don't like to be stared at for longer then 5 or 6 minutes, especially by strangers.
Preggalos don't like to be told they are big and large and in charge.
I know a lot of people will surely wonder just what a Preggalo might look like, so here you go.
Preggalos do not enjoy having their picture taken when it's not expected. I am risking my life (literally) to post this extremely rare picture of a wild Preggalo. In the interest of self-preservation, (and retain my status as guest poster) this picture will not trigger a popup window with a bigger version. It's for illustration purposes only.
Here is a photo of my favorite Preggalo in her natural habitat on the beach of St. Florent in Corsica, France. (You can click this one for a bigger version.) This photo was taken just yesterday at about 9:00pm and beautifully captures the essence of the Preggalo in just the right way. Notice how the last sunset rays still peeking out from the distant hills highlight the magnificence of the Preggalo -- truly a creature with no equal!